Thank You For Clicking! Part Three: Thailand Swallowed By Giant Clam

by Ellen Brandt, Ph.D.

In these troubled times, readers seem to appreciate humor, the more off-the-wall the better. But they also like stories about villains, corporate and otherwise. And bad times or good, chocolate and babies sell.

While our results with the Faux Tabloid Ten experiment are based on a fairly small sampling of readers, they don’t surprise me at all. And I believe a larger sampling would yield results that were very similar.

Let’s start with the least successful headlines in the group and why they might not have attracted as many clicks as the front-runners did.

At the bottom of the pack were “Pet Hamsters May Spread Swine Flu” and “Transvestite Running For Mayor” – and readers were quick to tell us why. Both headlines, they said, were too much like what you might see in any ole newspaper, any ole day.

That’s despite the fact that the two titles fit into different categories of tabloid headlines. “Pet Hamsters” is what I call a Plausible-But-Somehow-Off headline. It seems reasonable on first glance, but is based on a glaring logical flaw, in this case, the sound-association of “hamsters” and “ham.”

“Pet Hamster” was rejected, though, not because it was “off,” but because readers have been inundated with swine flu stories lately, to the extent that they will only click on a title that is way more shocking – or perhaps humorous – than this one is. In the county where I live, for instance, some high schools have been temporarily closed because of suspected swine flu cases, which means this topic is the hardest of hard news, immediate and local.

But Rene suggests a way the topic could be made sufficiently humorous to persuade her to click: “I’d rather see . . . College Son’s Laundry Source of Swine Flu,” says the New Jersey mom and editor.

Readers thought “Transvestite Running For Mayor” was just too ho-hum, too. It falls into the Big Statement category of tabloid headlines, those based on news that might be true but is shocking to a portion of the population.

In this case, maybe not all that shocking anymore. One reader, an insurance broker from California, wrote me privately that in the Golden State, there are possibly dozens of transvestite politicians. Although he may be exaggerating, there are probably at least a few. On the other hand, a revelation about an existing Mayor or Congressperson discovered to be something the voters didn’t think he/she was would probably be not only clickable, but the lead story at every media outlet in town! I could come up with examples – “Michael Is Michelle!” – but I don’t wish to be sued until the Blog-Off is over.

Scoring slightly better in our reader poll – with results somewhere in the middle range – were “Are You a Cheetah Or a Crocodile?,” “Swimming Pool Features Underwater Computer,” “Women Want Men Who Smell Like Fresh Peaches,” and “7 Out of 10 Blog In the Nude.”

Interestingly enough, three of these titles have a behavioral – some would call it psycho-babble – slant, popular not only in the tabloids, but in many other kinds of consumer publications. So these are familiar kinds of headlines, with which most readers are comfortable.

“Are You a Cheetah or a Crocodile?” falls into the well-liked Idiotic Quiz subcategory, part of the greater What-the-Heck-Is-That-All-About? category. If you’re human, you probably love such quizzes and are happy to take them – and some of our readers did, imagining their own quiz to correspond to the headline. Michigan writer Rowena, for instance, told us that “It pains me to say so, but I think I’m a crocodile. I lurk . . . patient, tenacious . . . I might even be a bottom dweller.”

But Art, a healthcare executive from Tennessee, wondered if this one might be more than a mere quiz. “I think this is an adjunct to the reality show for bankers and lawyers,” he told us.

“Women Like Men Who Smell Like Fresh Peaches” and “7 Out of 10 Blog in the Nude” are not only both Big Statement titles, they both fit into the very popular Strange Research subcategory. Like Idiotic Quizzes, titles like these are familiar to anyone who has ever read a newspaper or magazine, not to mention the average scholarly journal, and our readers jumped right in.

Re the fruit: Scott, an architect from northern California, confessed, “If I had some fresh peaches and wanted a romantic night, I would definitely read this one.” Ann, a business coach from Missouri, said, “I like peaches, and I like men, but maybe not together.” While Jamie, a designer from Florida, remarked, perhaps too revealingly, that “I love that my husband smells like cinnamon after a shower!”

Re the naked people: One anonymous respondent said he’d “like to blog in the nude, but it might upset my co-workers.” Cheryl, a Texas entrepreneur, thinks someone should form a new Linked In or Twitter group called the Buff Bloggers, which might be well-received, particularly among fitness-oriented writers.

“Swimming Pool Features Underwater Computer,” which falls into the Plausible-But-Somehow-Off category, may have gotten only about 1/5 as many page views as the top-clicked title, but it got the second-highest number of comments of any of the ten headlines, about 1-in-10, a terrific ratio of interactive responses for an Internet-based page.

This is the classic “double-take” headline, which sounds fabulous until you think about it. One Californian said, tongue-in-cheek but bathing suit-clad, “I’m very interested in not only working from home but working from my pool, so an underwater computer is exactly what I’m looking for.” Lawyer Michael from Florida mused, “What’s so funny about that? Sometimes I’m in the Jacuzzi, connected to my office by two different computers, with an I-phone on one side, non-alcoholic beer on the other, HD-exterior TV mounted in front and a music system giving me good sounds.” Sounds like my kind of guy! But New York marketing guru Cindy, again meshing two of the titles, asked, “Will there also be crocodiles in the swimming pool? That could make focusing on the computer challenging.”

Murder, Sex, Sushi, and Bankers: The Top Four

Neck and neck for third and fourth place in our Clickability poll were the headlines “Thailand Swallowed By Giant Clam” and “New Reality Show to Feature Laid-Off Bankers, Lawyers.” While only about half as popular as the Number Two headline, “Kinky Sex, Chocolate Truffles, Adorable Puppies,” these two had quite a few adherents, especially, for some reason, among Southerners and Ivy Leaguers, not to mention Southern Ivy Leaguers.

“Thailand Swallowed By Giant Clam” is the kind of Purely Ridiculous headline one of my former clients, the Weekly World News, used to specialize in, and commentators on both the blog and at the Linked In Groups got into the spirit of things. Alabamian Butch quipped that “I thought it was a lobster.” Several others had the same idea, saying they heard it wasn’t Thailand, but Laos or Malaysia or maybe Indonesia. But one of my sorority sisters believed it was Thailand, commented on her happy days working in that country, and commiserated with former friends and colleagues who had to relocate because of the Evil Mollusk.

Talk about Evil – or at least currently unloved – various readers said they can’t wait to see an actual contest between Wall Street Bankers and Wall Street Lawyers, which would move our “New Reality Show” headline from the Plausible-But-Off to the Big Statement category. Mr. Burnett, are you listening?

One said, “This is a reality show I might actually watch. Winner gets their job back, but has to pay 50% of salary and overpaid bonus to losers.” But Art said, “One group will be made up of timid souls laid-off because they were too conservative . . . They will never get out of the starting gate. The other team will be the group that was so aggressive, they either burst the bubble or got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Good luck getting this group to form a team!”

Neither clams nor laid-off executives can compete with decadence and baby animals, of course. Such has it ever been, and such shall it ever be. “Kinky Sex, Chocolate Truffles, Adorable Puppies,” our number two-clicked headline, also succeeds because it falls into the What-the-Heck-is-That-All-About? category, which lures you in, because it could fit a wide range of possible topics. Dashing Breeder of Siberian Huskies absconds to Belgium with Ingenue Judge he met at the Westminster Kennel Club Show. Well – could be.

Kim, a physician from Florida, liked the headline trio, but thinks we should have added in a good champagne. Sherry, a publicist from Massachusetts, was OK on the kinky sex and candy, but Adorable Puppies “took the imagination, for me, down a slippery slope to a dark place.” Wow, Sherry! You should get in touch with Jeff, a sports producer from New York, who joked that he “prefer(s) barnyard animals, a midget, and a taser.”

Personally, I am a sucker for baby animals and am prone to click on any story that features them. When the German magazine Der Spiegel was running their never-ending daily series about Knut, the mega-adorable baby polar bear, I visited their on-line site nearly every day to Ooh and Ah over baby pics of the white, furry cutie-pie.

But even babies and chocolates couldn’t compete with Dire Foul Play – at least in our little survey. The number one Faux Headline by far was “Corpse Found in Internet Guru’s Gym Locker,” which received over ten times as many eager clicks as the lowest-ranking headline.

This is clearly an example of a Big Statement tabloid headline, based on material that is actual news, but shocking or intriguing to many viewers. Just as I understand the impulse to seek out stories about baby animals, I empathize totally with the impulse to click on stories about Love Triangles Turned Tragic, Postal Workers Going Berserk, Cowboys Fighting Indians, and Corpses Found in Gym Lockers. In other words, Blood, Gore, Fury, and Passion appeal to me – and to many, many other readers.

Jan, an executive trainer from Arizona, thinks “a corpse in a gym locker would get a click from just about anyone.” But the fact that an Internet Guru was a principal in this (faux) saga seemed to attract people even more – although some seemed to hope the Guru might be the Corpse, instead of a possible Murderer. As a viewer from one of the Linked In groups said, “Those Internet guys are so full of themselves, he probably got what he deserved.”

Others were intrigued by the locker side of the equation. “How does one get a locker big enough to hold a body?” asked Ann Lia, a healthcare executive from Washington, D.C., whose fitness club must be stingy with their space. But Bob, a marketing manager from Florida, took it one step further, into the realm of political favoritism. “Who in the Administration,” he complained, “did the Guru know to get a gym locker that big?”

As these responses show, the vast majority of readers found our Faux Tabloid Headline project both useful and amusing, encouraging them not only to click, but to get creative themselves with some delightful – or downright hilarious – comments.

There were a handful of dissenters – none on the site itself, but some who posted at Linked In groups. A couple of them were the garden-variety crazies you seem to find all over the Internet today, and whom I intend to write about in a future blog.

Others were thoughtful – although to my mind, dead wrong – dissenters. Their essential argument is that there’s Serious Journalism way over heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere and Tabloid Journalism way over theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere, and Never the Twain Shall Meet – a conclusion which the famous Twain – Mark – would have disagreed with vehemently. (Probably Shania, too.)

If this opinion were ever true – and I doubt it – it is certainly not true in the creative flux and cacophony of voices which mark the Brave New World of Internet Journalism right now.

The best-written, most thoroughly-researched and intelligently-reasoned article or blog may not get the audience it deserves just because it’s there. That audience often has to be brought to it, to find out it exists.

By Fair Means or Foul Play – like a Corpse in an Internet Guru’s Gym Locker – it is a legitimate exercise to seek out readers and bring them into your authorial fold.

Part Four of this series will suggest some topics for further discussion. Please comment. Your cacophonous voice is important, too!

For Part Four, New Reality Show to Feature Laid-Off Bankers, Lawyers, please click on: http://wp.me/pycK6-2o

To return to “Corpses, Mollusks, and Kinky Sex-How I Won the Blog-Off,” go to: http://wp.me/pycK6-2s

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